Are you punishing them or yourself? 

That was the question that turned this coaching session around. As odd as it may seem, this is where, as a coach, I smile. I had closely watched their reactions and listened to their breath, catching the tick in their pulse on their neck. Now, this is where the work begins. We’ve lifted the lid, and now we dig out the why. As a coach, there is no better feeling than watching your client have that epiphany that turns their situation on its head. It’s often the result of lots of questions - some more targeted than they would like. 

After trust building, it requires deftness and laser precision to dig around old wounds, long-held beliefs, habits, and misnomers. It also requires a client willing to do the digging with you. Its courage and vulnerability interwoven with a determination to get to the answers. I share the following as an example of what we often see in relationships. Be brave and see if it sounds familiar to you. 

In a recent conversation with a client, we delved into the complexities of resentment within relationships. It's a feeling many of us grapple with at one point or another, yet its roots and manifestations can be intricate and deeply personal.

In lamenting their frustrations about various inconveniences, my client found themselves resenting their spouse's apparent detachment from these daily challenges. While the spouse expressed empathy, my client couldn't shake the feeling of isolation in their struggles.

Upon probing deeper, we uncovered a profound revelation: the resentment stemmed not from their spouse's lack of understanding or effort to empathize but from my client's own internal struggle with feeling alone in their battles. It was as if holding onto this resentment became a way to validate their own struggles, a badge of honor in their solitary journey. This particular argument was where they had decided to take their stand. There was nothing significant about this particular argument - but it served its purpose. 

Recognizing this allowed us to shift our focus from assigning blame to understanding the underlying emotions. Why do we hold onto anger this way, even when our loved ones try to offer support? Is it a form of punishment, an unwillingness to let go, an attempt to exact guilt, or perhaps a misguided attempt to communicate our pain?

As a coach, navigating these intricacies with empathy and insight is crucial. We must help individuals explore the why behind their emotions and guide them toward a path of healing and understanding. It's not about fault-finding or assigning blame but rather about fostering open communication and vulnerability within relationships.

So, to anyone grappling with resentment in their relationships, I urge you to pause and reflect. What lies beneath the surface of your anger? Can you let go of the need to hold onto it as a shield and allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who care about you instead? If you are fortunate enough to have someone trying to show support - even if it’s not in the manner that you need or want consider yourself blessed. We live in a disposable society, and relationships are no exception. 

Ultimately, through this journey of self-discovery and self-compassion, we can cultivate deeper connections and find true healing in our relationships. Let go of resentment and embrace the transformative power of forgiveness and understanding. It's not an easy journey, but it is worth taking for love and connection.

 Cheers to your expedition to self ~

Audrey